Blackberry murders another vacation
A million more opportunities expected over next quarter, estimates organisation
Hawaii -
Already reeling under attack by omnipresent emails, holiday plans now find themselves fighting a losing battle against the BlackBerries. Vacations are facing an ever increasing threat from phone calls, emailed documents, status updates and various other weapons that the slim and sexy devices operate with.
The latest victim of these serial killings is M Bish’s US$ 5,000 vacation, the demise of whom was presided over by him on a long distance call, and his wife and two children as they tanned themselves in the sun. Mrs Bish described how the catastrophic event took place even as her husband went dazed and unrested back to work. “Starting Monday when we landed there, he was checking his email every five minutes for any important messages that there might be. By Wednesday, he was sure that he was dispensable and on the way to a pink slip since he’d received no work-related mail. The next thing I know he’s calling his juniors and preparing a presentation late into Friday. Soon after, it was time to leave, and he was still on a conference call!”
Free for a few minutes between clearly not required back-to-work update meetings, Bish said that his pain is further compounded by the love he once nested for the killer. “When I first saw the 7730 in my boss’s hands, I felt a desperate need to own that cool, contemporary gadget. And when the accounting department gave me a go ahead for the bill, man, I had such an adrenaline rush! Little did I know what a spying, conniving, back-stabber it would turn out to be – it killed what I had wanted most – a dream vacation in Hawaii,” he moaned at his far-too-late enlightenment.
Military manoeuvres expert Tru Davis says this approach used by Blackberries is a classic ‘wolf in lamb’s clothing tactic’. She outlines how the contraptions generally function on a standalone basis, and are known to ensnare executives with their brains and beauty before taking over their lives and equally depressingly, killing all time-off in the process. “It is a deadly, accurate procedure, and works the same way that husbands and wives do in each other’s lives. An age-old proven process,” she admires grudgingly.
Consequently, the list of unsuspecting vice presidents, directors, managing directors and other people with corresponding designations who’ve ended up with busted holiday plans in Hawaii, Seychelles, Bora Bora and other premium destinations is getting ever longer. And the scourge is expected only to rise further. A photo file making rounds of the forwards on the internet showed a black masked BlackBerry displaying “A million more of us will be in your pockets next quarter. Independence from boundaries - closer than ever!” The message omitted to say that independence from boundaries would come at the cost of getting chained to the work, to the boss, to the media, to the clients, and just about everything else besides.
This war against absence that BlackBerries are waging is a rather new movement that has grown from the attacks on quality weekends with family and sleeping hours to much longer periods of leisure in just over a few years. But despite the increasing casualties claimed by the organisation, the government is refusing to shut down their operations by use of force. In fact, revealing the close nexus that exists between politics and nefarious elements, President Bush totally ignored the deadly accuracy possessed by the weapons of naps destruction and refused to comment on their high strike rate. Instead, he focussed on an improbable brighter future and implored that “to stop strong executives from trying to tame the power of the wireless would be an insult to those who have fallen behind them. We must continue to exert our force on the BlackBerries and make those sacrifices worthwhile.”
Comfortingly, there are others who are trying to brake the break-neck speed of the BlackBerry network expansion. Head of Tours Are Us in Hong Kong, Goofy Donald, gave a fiery speech on the eve of Disneyland’s opening. “We shall win the fight against the group that is creating terror in the minds of executives and making them cancel their plans in fear of upcoming disappointment,” he declared. He advocated the use of traditional weapons such as white lies, whose simplicity he believes works better than modern warfare elements like bugs and viruses. He explained his battle plan on the sidelines of the event: “When email began to threaten our clients, we gave out impeccable excuses – all free of cost - such as saying that there was no cyber café near the hotel, or that the connection speeds were too low to allow any data transfer. And these missives worked far better than Melissa virus or Kak worm ever did. Now we have upgraded the excuse list to allow for use against Blackberry as well.”
The new version is being disseminated widely, and initial surveys show that success rates exceed 70%. The best-practice is to have the blackberry accompany scuba diving expeditions.
However, for Bish, these statistics hold no comfort, nor the counselling he is undergoing with his psychiatrist who is encouraging him to focus on the bright side. He says he is not consoled by the fact that at least his family has many picture postcards with beer, and many more crazy party stories for pub conversations. That other peoples’ vacations were alive, he asserts, is painful and not comforting in the least.
Hawaii -
Already reeling under attack by omnipresent emails, holiday plans now find themselves fighting a losing battle against the BlackBerries. Vacations are facing an ever increasing threat from phone calls, emailed documents, status updates and various other weapons that the slim and sexy devices operate with.
The latest victim of these serial killings is M Bish’s US$ 5,000 vacation, the demise of whom was presided over by him on a long distance call, and his wife and two children as they tanned themselves in the sun. Mrs Bish described how the catastrophic event took place even as her husband went dazed and unrested back to work. “Starting Monday when we landed there, he was checking his email every five minutes for any important messages that there might be. By Wednesday, he was sure that he was dispensable and on the way to a pink slip since he’d received no work-related mail. The next thing I know he’s calling his juniors and preparing a presentation late into Friday. Soon after, it was time to leave, and he was still on a conference call!”
Free for a few minutes between clearly not required back-to-work update meetings, Bish said that his pain is further compounded by the love he once nested for the killer. “When I first saw the 7730 in my boss’s hands, I felt a desperate need to own that cool, contemporary gadget. And when the accounting department gave me a go ahead for the bill, man, I had such an adrenaline rush! Little did I know what a spying, conniving, back-stabber it would turn out to be – it killed what I had wanted most – a dream vacation in Hawaii,” he moaned at his far-too-late enlightenment.
Military manoeuvres expert Tru Davis says this approach used by Blackberries is a classic ‘wolf in lamb’s clothing tactic’. She outlines how the contraptions generally function on a standalone basis, and are known to ensnare executives with their brains and beauty before taking over their lives and equally depressingly, killing all time-off in the process. “It is a deadly, accurate procedure, and works the same way that husbands and wives do in each other’s lives. An age-old proven process,” she admires grudgingly.
Consequently, the list of unsuspecting vice presidents, directors, managing directors and other people with corresponding designations who’ve ended up with busted holiday plans in Hawaii, Seychelles, Bora Bora and other premium destinations is getting ever longer. And the scourge is expected only to rise further. A photo file making rounds of the forwards on the internet showed a black masked BlackBerry displaying “A million more of us will be in your pockets next quarter. Independence from boundaries - closer than ever!” The message omitted to say that independence from boundaries would come at the cost of getting chained to the work, to the boss, to the media, to the clients, and just about everything else besides.
This war against absence that BlackBerries are waging is a rather new movement that has grown from the attacks on quality weekends with family and sleeping hours to much longer periods of leisure in just over a few years. But despite the increasing casualties claimed by the organisation, the government is refusing to shut down their operations by use of force. In fact, revealing the close nexus that exists between politics and nefarious elements, President Bush totally ignored the deadly accuracy possessed by the weapons of naps destruction and refused to comment on their high strike rate. Instead, he focussed on an improbable brighter future and implored that “to stop strong executives from trying to tame the power of the wireless would be an insult to those who have fallen behind them. We must continue to exert our force on the BlackBerries and make those sacrifices worthwhile.”
Comfortingly, there are others who are trying to brake the break-neck speed of the BlackBerry network expansion. Head of Tours Are Us in Hong Kong, Goofy Donald, gave a fiery speech on the eve of Disneyland’s opening. “We shall win the fight against the group that is creating terror in the minds of executives and making them cancel their plans in fear of upcoming disappointment,” he declared. He advocated the use of traditional weapons such as white lies, whose simplicity he believes works better than modern warfare elements like bugs and viruses. He explained his battle plan on the sidelines of the event: “When email began to threaten our clients, we gave out impeccable excuses – all free of cost - such as saying that there was no cyber café near the hotel, or that the connection speeds were too low to allow any data transfer. And these missives worked far better than Melissa virus or Kak worm ever did. Now we have upgraded the excuse list to allow for use against Blackberry as well.”
The new version is being disseminated widely, and initial surveys show that success rates exceed 70%. The best-practice is to have the blackberry accompany scuba diving expeditions.
However, for Bish, these statistics hold no comfort, nor the counselling he is undergoing with his psychiatrist who is encouraging him to focus on the bright side. He says he is not consoled by the fact that at least his family has many picture postcards with beer, and many more crazy party stories for pub conversations. That other peoples’ vacations were alive, he asserts, is painful and not comforting in the least.
posted by Anuja at 4:05 pm
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